The cost of inauthenticity: why ‘fake it ‘til you make it’ might be hurting us

In a culture that increasingly rewards image over substance, many of us are encouraged - implicitly or explicitly - to portray ourselves as more successful, more confident or more together than we truly feel inside. Whether it’s through social media, professional branding or daily social interactions, there’s a pervasive pressure to “fake it ‘til you make it.” But from a psychodynamic perspective, this kind of inauthenticity doesn’t just strain our energy or feel uncomfortable - it can profoundly impact our relationship to ourselves and others.

What Is Inauthenticity?

Inauthenticity is the experience of presenting a self to the world that doesn’t align with our inner truth or objective reality. It’s not just lying (though sometimes it is) - it’s often more subtle than that. It’s the curated smile when we feel hollow inside; the social media post selling the life we wish we had rather than the one we actually live; the inflated CV that leaves us feeling we don’t actually deserve the job; the boastful story that conceals our insecurity; the overcompensation for a sense of inadequacy we’re afraid to admit. Psychodynamically, inauthenticity often arises as a defense - a way to protect against shame, rejection or feelings of unworthiness.

Inauthenticity as a Defense Mechanism

From a psychodynamic standpoint, defenses like inauthenticity are ways we unconsciously try to manage anxiety or emotional pain. They often originate in early relational experiences where we felt that our true self - our needs, feelings, or vulnerabilities - wasn't welcome, valued, or safe. So we developed alternative selves: the achiever, the caretaker, the joker, the perfectionist. These false selves may have helped us survive or gain approval in the past, but over time, they can become rigid patterns that disconnect us from our authentic feelings and needs. This inauthenticity also affects our relationships with others.

The more we identify with these constructed versions of ourselves, the more we risk losing touch with who we really are. This disconnection can manifest as chronic emptiness, depression, anxiety, or a sense that we're living someone else’s life. In therapy, one of the most powerful healing processes is the gradual uncovering and reclaiming of the true self - the self that was hidden for fear it would be rejected or unworthy.

The Problem with "Fake It ‘Til You Make It"

The phrase "fake it ‘til you make it" is often used with good intentions - it’s meant to encourage confidence and perseverance. But it can also reinforce the idea that your current self isn’t good enough, and that pretending to be someone you’re not is the path to success or belonging. This can be especially damaging for those already struggling with self-esteem, perfectionism or impostor syndrome.

Instead of building real confidence, this approach may deepen internal self-alienation. The more we rely on a mask to be accepted or to perform, the more we may feel like frauds, unworthy of the roles we inhabit or the praise we receive. This inner dissonance can be exhausting and erode self-esteem rather than strengthen it.

Moreover, when we habitually present a version of ourselves that isn’t rooted in truth, we miss the opportunity for genuine connection. Relationships thrive on authenticity - on being seen and accepted as we truly are. When we hide behind an image, or tell the world we are someone else, we may receive admiration but we often still feel profoundly alone.

Cultural Pressures and the Illusion of Perfection

Our culture exacerbates these tendencies. Social media platforms are built to reward appearances - highlight reels of success, curated lifestyles and filtered perfection. The result is a societal mirage where everyone seems to be achieving, thriving and evolving at an impossible pace. In response, we may feel pressure to keep up, to present a version of ourselves that fits the narrative, even if it’s not how we really feel.

But this culture of inauthenticity is not just personally damaging, it’s socially corrosive. When we all participate in the illusion, we reinforce a collective standard that no one can actually meet. We perpetuate the shame of being real, of struggling, of not having it all together; and we deprive ourselves and others of the relief and freedom that comes from honest, vulnerable human connection.

Moving Toward Authenticity

Authenticity isn’t about being brutally honest at all times or sharing every vulnerable detail with everyone. It’s about aligning our external presentation with our internal experience as often as we can. It’s about being honest with ourselves first - recognizing when we’re performing, when we’re protecting, and when we’re truly showing up.

Psychotherapy offers a unique space to explore this process. Within the safety of the therapeutic relationship, we can begin to peel back the layers of the false self and reconnect with the parts of us that have long been hidden or denied. We can grieve what we had to lose in order to survive and rediscover what it means to be whole.

A More Honest Way Forward

In a world that rewards the polished exterior, choosing authenticity can feel risky - but it is ultimately a radical act of self-respect and relational integrity. It’s not about rejecting ambition or growth, it’s about rooting those pursuits in truth, rather than fear or shame. It’s about believing that who you are, right now, is enough. The path to wholeness is not through pretending, but through presence, through allowing our real selves to emerge and be met with compassion, both from others and from within.